SADDICTION
Words: MJB
I’ve always been fascinated with time travel, which makes sense as I grew up in Australia which is 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Leaning into my *internet as a spectrum sparkle* I have landed on a cursed theory. Hear me out...
The Space-time continuum (relativity between space and time) can only be paused through a portal aka a black hole. In my adult life, I’ve mentally been 5 years younger than I should be. I’ve always wondered if it is from feeling dead inside (yes, it is).
I’ve spent years in therapy to unlock memories I’d suppressed. As I’ve renegotiated my formative years of identity, I’ve had many chance encounters with familiar faces from my darker days. The serendipity of it all has led me to some thoughts...
• Time stands still only when a portal is entered. The 5-year blank space for me aligns with my peak years of excess, apathy, and saddiction. Yes, I’m talking about a k-hole. I was on pause. Physically I was living, but mentally I was floating between here/there. Nihilism, hedonism, existentialism, emoism. Did any of it even happen or was it all a fantasy? Is it fantasy if it is anchored by sadness or is that just a sub/dom kink?
• I still yearn for spontaneity and naivety. I miss living for each moment like it would be my last. I miss having no responsibility, shame, or guilt. I enjoyed having my humanity switched off, burning bridges, and breaking hearts. In so many ways, I want to rot in the purgatory that is escapism because I felt happy. But I can’t anymore… because it wasn’t real. The only path that saddiction put me on was a step closer to death.
• I’ve been sober for 1.5 years… minus that one time I had some drinks to fit in and then projectile vomited for the duration of two Wes Anderson films that my boyfriend watched b2b in the lounge while I kissed the bathroom tiles. Minus my prescribed Dexies, which I’m currently detoxing from because they’re addictive too.
The moral of the story is: saddiction is a forever thing.
It doesn’t go away, it is part of you and you work on it every day. It is hard. But avoidance and escapism only prolong the pain.
Lynchian madness is necessary because duality is reality.
Perfectionism is a scam, so speak your truth without a trigger warning.
Feeling triggered helps me to act.
Because saying nothing defeats me and empowers them.
Because they say it isn’t for you, but they don’t own your dreams.
As someone who has lost 5 years in my mind to the k-portal of apathy, I can say that since staring darkness in the face and not running in fear… the pain is now balanced by light. I can dream again. I have hope.
I’m realising my purpose is to exist and to speak because somewhere out there is another sad bitch like me who needs to feel like they’re not forgotten.
If that sad bitch is you, then I see you.
We are human and we are in this together.
Everyday.
We feel.
